Ok, so Life Sucks

Well, I went on vacation..... a much needed one. I didn't enjoy it and I did. I loved seeing my family, meeting LKD again, running around, and all that. I did not enjoy seeing my father looking the way he did. His hair is now white. In the few months since I had seen him last, his hair had turned white.

I always feared seeing my Mom go downhill. Surprisingly, she was doing great. Since she already called all my sisters Twila, I was ready for her not knowing who I was. lol. But she is no longer on oxygen, they have cut all her medications, and she is doing famously! I went to supper with her on the first Sunday I was there. She has such great hand/eye coordination! She knows what she likes and dislikes. Because of her swallowing difficulty due to the many mini strokes (TIA's) she gets thickened liquids. But she sucks those down. She has a great appetite!

Dad, on the other hand, has gone downhill. I find this so hard to deal with. My Dad was always the strong one. He has lived to take care of Mom for so many years. Due to Mom's mental and physical condition, he can no longer take care of her. And since he has been diagnosed with Leukemia and has to undergo Chemo weekly, this leaves him tired. He can't go to see Mom on those days. And he has lost the will to live. He can no longer do his duty, he feels. He has failed, he feels. So he is aging so fast!

He told my sisters and me he wants us to go down to their home (in WVA) and divide up all that they had. He sits. And he watches his cat.......... weight, 21 pounds with a belly that touches the floor when he waddles.... I mean walks. He says when the cat dies, he will too. Deal with THAT! I was always Daddy's girl. How can I deal with that?

And I want to go HOME! I NEED to go home!

I began sending in resumes, handing out resumes. And looking at my life.

I talked to a friend of mine, who was no doubt shocked since I hadn't spoken to him in probably 10 years. He used to be a Lutheran Minister. (This after I told my HR person at work that I needed to move back home, and she gave me a pamphlet about their Outreach Services..... dealing with stuff like this. )

Ron read me the riot act. Made me look at ME! This was probably not a good thing and I haven't quit crying since.

Stubborn seemed to creep into the conversation many times. Huh! My trip here to Indy, he blames on my stubborn nature. Sure, I was in a perilous position. But because of MY self, I decided to move in this direction. I had the option of going to any of my kids' homes. But I was Stubborn!

And he told me, much as I would like to be, I am NOT a martyr! (that hurt. I mean, how can he know how I felt?)

Back to the stubborn deal. He says, why do I think I am any different than anyone else? I made a mistake. (yet another??????) And until I finally convince myself that I am totally stupid, I will continue to make these same mistakes.

And he said I feel guilty about leaving here. And I do. I love the people I deal with. Much as I complain, I love the challenges the job brings me. And I love when I do a good job, and I get email saying what a stupendous person I am. (Today I got an email from one of our clients who said, "from now on, I say Twila cannot have vacations, and should move into the building 24/7")

I have never had a job I didn't like. Sure, there are people with any job that a person doesn't like, but I love the hassle of my job. I love being able to pull off the impossible...... even when it is ME that makes the impossible possible!

Anyway, Ron told me not to feel guilty about leaving. And I think I was!

Tomorrow, I am going back in to talk to Nancy, and to Bob. I am telling them I am out of here by the end of October. I will not sign another lease here. I will do what I should have done years ago, and go home. My parents need me. My kids and grandkids need me. I am no longer going to think about ME! I just hope I can do this without crying. Gawd, I hate people to see that I cry!